A Brief History of Metal

This is a short story I wrote several months ago. I'm posting it now because I still haven't finished that thrice-damned chapter and I feel guilty about not updating this blog in a week. I am very sorry. This is very silly.

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What I’m about to tell you is a true fucking story, all right? Give me a beer. And some nachos.

So yeah, once upon a time – what the hell is wrong with starting a story like that? It’s fucking traditional, that’s what it is. Anyway, once upon a time, this world was a boring ass place. The people, I don’t know, they tucked their buttoned-up plaid shirts into their pants and weren’t trying to be ironic. They listened to Backstreet Boys and shit like that and went to, like, Mormon school or something. Fucked up, right? I know.

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So the gods were total fucking douches. They had the awesome power of Metal in their hands, but they didn’t let any of the mortals have it, which is totally un-Metal. And there was this Prometheus dude. He was one of them, right, but he wasn’t a total fucking douche. ‘Cuz he liked us, you see? Thought we had potential or some shit like that.

Anyway, Prometheus wanted to swipe the power of Metal for us, but he couldn’t, ‘cuz the other gods were already on his case for nicking the holy motherfucking power of Fire for us back in the day when we were still scratching our nutsacks with sabretooth claws. (Although that’s pretty Metal too, if you think about it.) So he had to find some other dude to do it for him.

What the shit? You got me Budweiser? This piss isn’t fit for pig’s puke. Try again, you fucker, or I’ll tell you a story about how I kicked your ass in, like, five minutes from now. Better.

So Prometheus had to find a dude and because he was all wise and shit, he knew he had to find just the right dude. He flew down the mountain on a badass lightning bolt chariot – yeah, gods, lived on a mountain, everybody fucking knows that – and went to this town of humans. It was, like, on top of a glacier and it was all fenced off because of these hardcore giant warthogs that ate skulls.

There was this hunter dude, right, who hunted the warthogs because they kept trying to eat his sisters. One day, he was doing his hunting shit and he totally stabbed one through the heart with a fucking spear. And Prometheus, he was watching this, right? Sitting back, having a beer. And when this dude was cleaning the blood off his spear, Prometheus was all like, “Hey. That was pretty fucking awesome.”

Even though this dude was pretty badass in a time before Metal, he didn’t know what the fuck Prometheus was talking about. He was all like, “Dude. The warthog was going to eat my sisters. That’s not awesome.”

But Prometheus expected this kind of bullshit, so he didn’t throw lightning bolts at him or anything. Yeah, I fucking know it was Zeus who was the god of lightning, right? It’s called creative license, you pisshead. But yeah, no toasting the mortal. Instead, he told him, “Look, if I told you about a totally epic quest that you could go on without your sisters being eaten, would you go on it? I can’t do it myself. Hands tied.”

And the dude, he was all like, “What’s the nature of this quest?” Or some other crap. Prometheus told him and he didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. Because if you don’t have Metal, you haven’t heard of it. So he wanted to know what was in it for him and Prometheus said, “Your sisters won’t get attacked up douchebag warthogs anymore and every lady in the village will fucking absolutely want to hang out with you.”

The dude knew that was awesome, even without Metal, so he agreed. What? You want to know his name? Right, it’s Bob. What’s your goddamned problem with Bob? Bob’s a hero’s name.

Prometheus let Bob say bye to his sisters ‘cuz the other gods might want to tear his guts out and stew them up in some sick sort of soup if they caught him. He flew him over right to the base of the mountain after that and told him he might have to kill shit on the way, but if he killed that warthog, he’d be able to handle those fuckheads. So Bob started climbing with his spear and it wasn’t long before he had to start stabbing things.

First, there was, like, one of those basilisk things. He stabbed that motherfucker and kept climbing.

Then there was the dragon. And the wyvern. And he had to slaughter them too. I am not mixing my mythologies. You shut your fucking face, you ugly son of a bastard.

And there was a gorgon, and a minotaur, and, I don’t know, a vampire. But his spear was just too fucking awesome and they’re killed too.

Finally, there was the unicorn. Now, what you got to know about unicorns is that they’re not the shit you see on My Little Pony, right? They, like, speared dudes with their horns and drained their blood. Like vampires. Mean sons of bitches and they fucking hate dudes who aren’t virgins. And Bob? You’re a fucking idiot if you think he was a virgin. So the unicorn saw him and its eyes just totally went all red and it freaked out at him and charged at him.

Bob was getting pretty bushed by then and the unicorn got the drop on him. Speared him through the chest! But it didn’t get his heart and Bob was fucking pissed off about being speared, so he headbutted the motherfucker on the neck. ‘Cuz it was all angled because of the spearing, right? What, do you want a fucking diagram?

So the unicorn was like, woah, what the fuck is up with this dude, he’s fighting back. And he got all freaked out in another way and pulled out. And you know, the thing about the power of Metal is that it leaks. It’s like fucking radiation, dude. And Bob was really fucking close to the Metal so he was getting infected with it like Godzilla with holy mother of shit atomic energy.

So Bob said, “That’s what you did with your mom. Last night.” He tore that horn off with his goddamned bare hands and stabbed the unicorn with it. Its own horn. Like, a lot. Until it was dead. Then Bob tied it around his neck like a war prize, ‘cuz it was.

But the gods finally woke up after one hell of a party and Zeus was like, “What the shit? Some fucker’s been killing all my watchcreatures.” The other gods were totally wasted and couldn’t give two shits, but Zeus was pissed all to hell and went Bob-hunting.

Sucks to be Zeus, though, ‘cuz Bob had already laid his hands on the power of Metal in form of the electric guitar. He was all levitating and shit and making thunder crash and his hands were fucking flying over the strings. And Zeus was like, “Aw shit.”

So Bob punched Zeus in the face and flew off and there wasn’t a goddamned thing Zeus could do about it. For what are gods against the power of Metal? Oh, and Bob told him not to fuck with his shit or fuck around with humanity from now on, or he’d totally come back to the mountain and turn it into the biggest motherfucking pile of rubble ever.

Zeus sat there pissing his pants like a baby for a lot of time after that, because Bob was just too awesome, but after awhile, he was like, hey! “That asshat Prometheus is behind this! I am totally going to tie him back up to that rock and get that eagle to peck out his liver again. Only the eagle will be, like, a zombie, ‘cuz Hercules killed him before.”

So he found Prometheus and Prometheus was having none of that shit, right? ‘Cuz as far as he knew, Bob was counting him in the list of shit Zeus wasn’t to fuck with. And Zeus was too much of a fucking pussy to push it.

Meanwhile, Bob totally made the world completely fucking awesome and zapped all the Mormon schools into rocks with his Metal-thunder powers and fried all the warthogs. Then he found some other dudes and made them his acolytes. Got ‘em a drum set, a bass, another guitar, a violin – what the fuck’s wrong with a violin, don’t make me punch you – and taught ‘em how to play them and formed this epically legendary band with them. They went on tour and everyone learned about how awesome Metal was and his sisters got to be, like, sound engineers or some shit ‘cuz they didn’t have to worry about being eaten by warthogs anymore. They made the world awesome, but one day they just keeled over and died. Like... that! Right in the middle of a fucking concert! There were motherfucking riots!

But yeah, it was okay, ‘cuz the power of Metal had spread and there were these dudes who started their own bands and went touring. Like the circle of life off of fucking Lion King. Yeah, that movie was pretty awesome.

I think they’re buried in some island tomb somewhere now? You know, like fucking King Arthur? So like Arthur, they had to become maggot food, but it’s okay, ‘cuz that’s Metal and anyway, they’re totally supposed to rise again someday to save the world in its time of greatest lameness.

And that’s the story of metal. Now get me another beer. And where are those goddamned, motherfucking, pissant nachos? Son of a bitch, I’m hungry.