Only fascists wouldn't consider participating in this clash of carefully chosen words in the comments, because fascists don't know how to have fun.
There were things lurking underneath the bed. Dark things. Terrible things. Maggie tried the old ‘put the sheets over your head’ trick, but she knew it only delayed the inevitable crunch of her bones.
This is where axes come in handy. She had much to explain to her parents, though.
In the depths of despair, the man fell to his knees and shouted out at the stars, "Ahhh! There's no point! Life is horrible and nothing is good in the world!"
ReplyDeleteBut the stars were quick to defend this universe, responding with: "Broccoli. It is delicious and high in calcium."
Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. As such, they were the butt of many mean-spirited neighbourhood jokes. They soon grew sick of it and decided to make an example of Mrs. Baker via cannibalism. So in between them both, they licked the platter clean.
ReplyDeleteJanet was the worst Canadian. She hated Timmy’s, couldn’t abide Rush or Bachman-Turner Overdrive, and hockey bored her to tears. But one day, the ghost of John Diefenbaker appeared to her.
ReplyDelete“Shame on you,” said the ghost of John Diefenbaker.
“At least I didn’t scrap the Avro Arrow,” said Janet.
I was pretty sure I knew what ammonia smelled like – faint lingering memories from a high school chemistry lab. I can't quite place it exactly. But then, I thought my feet smelled of ammonia and was told that they smelled like popcorn. Everything I've ever known was a lie!
ReplyDeleteBeer had long been regarded as the king of beverages. It greased the social wheels, made a peasant’s soul-crushing existence seem bearable, and kept masses of them from being killed off by the water. Could anything surpass its glory?
ReplyDeleteAs it turned out, coffee could. And thus capitalism was born.
He had to check those messages. What if one of them was for him, about something super important and timely!? Neglecting them would show that maybe he wasn't the best babysitter after all. He bit his lip and pressed the play button. One message, nothing important. What had he done?
ReplyDeleteRichard steeled himself as he sat upon the bridge railing. He couldn’t take it anymore! Life was meaningless and hopeless! The only solution was to end it.
ReplyDeleteJust then, a pedestrian strolled up. He said, “You wanna know who else committed suicide? Hitler.”
Godwin’s Law saved another life that day.
She flipped through the photographs depicting the foreign culture of those she had visited. The strange, pungent dishes, the colourful hand-made clothing and the delighted sparkle in the children's eyes as they kicked a puppy to death in their morning ritual. What a noble people, she thought, continuing her scrapbook.
ReplyDeletePluto was inconsolable and had been for several Earth years. The humiliation of being downgraded to a dwarf planet! How arbitrary and hurtful! Furthermore, there was no higher authority to appeal to, as humans ran the joint these days.
ReplyDelete“You think you’ve got problems?” said Uranus. “Two words: poop. Jokes.”
So the real problem with using “Go to town” and Give her hell” as interchangeable sayings only became apparent not after saying “giver town” but the equally wrong and much less admirable “Go to hell” as both were said in the most agreeable manner. Still the hammer was overkill...
ReplyDeleteZeus wasn’t fond of these modern ladies. They were comely enough, sure, but their personalities? Urgh.
ReplyDeleteFor example, transforming into a really kick ass swan? Didn’t work. Nor did it matter how hot a bull he turned into. Were they all just a bunch of repressed prudes?
Shaving worked, though.
He proposed that the underwater city could avoid attack through total transparency. All their activities would be videotaped and broadcast to the land-based nations of the world. “That way, the USA won't have real grounds or support to wage war on us!” he explained.
ReplyDeleteThat didn't stop them though.
The newest dance craze had taken the nation by storm! Everyone was doing the Gomorrah Tango! However, it dawned on no one that ending the dance by punching an angel in the face? Not a good plan.
ReplyDeleteThe rapture came in an inferno of hiphop, just like the televangelist said.
Removing a comment, like bleeping out a word, makes people assume censorship and/or the worst, crudest possible omittance. That isn't always the case, everyone! Sometimes it's just removing a duplicate, or protecting someone's identity. I'm glad we are all clear on this and will never be confused again. You're welcome.
ReplyDeleteMary was a lonely soul. Her friends had abandoned her, turned away by her crippling emotional defects. What was she to do? Then it came to her. “I’ll make my own friends! From bits and maybe even bytes!”
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, like any parent, she programmed the emotional defects into their CPU.
Mary complained that the fruit tea didn't taste nearly as good as it smelled, yet she kept purchasing it.
ReplyDelete“That's like how I keep sleeping with exotic prostitutes even though I know I'll get diseases and I do: every time!”
“No, grandpa. That's not the same at all!”
It was only discovered when it was too late that the Irish were the sneakiest humans alive. They merely allowed the English to oppress and bother them. Only by those means could their devilish plan be brought to flowering.
ReplyDeleteI bet you wish you didn’t drink all that Guinness now.
I have a really hard time with pick up lines, every time I try to pull off “nice bum, where ya from?” which is totally harmless and cute. I usually manage to say something more like “nice ass, you’re fat.” or even “hot damn, can you even poop?”
ReplyDeleteno dice
The ghost of Shakespeare had it up to here with those bastards saying that he didn’t write his plays. He decided to manifest himself, right there and then, all over the world, to set it straight. But it was too late! Oxford manifested himself first.
ReplyDeleteSuch a prick, that earl.
There were a lot of excuses she couldn't use. There were a lot of high parenting expectations. Mary did have a third eye on the back of her head, more than two arms and could be in more than one place at once. All the better to shake babies with.
ReplyDelete(disclaimer: don't)
Would the world ever find peace? Philosopher had pondered the matter for millenia and in the end decided, regretfully, that it could never be.
ReplyDeleteUnbeknownst to them, the world did find peace during one particularly fine summer day in 9086 BC. Then everyone got bored and started chucking rocks again.
Consistently, people are judged by looks and the way they speak – not anything important. Telling a child they're a unique individual is giving them false hope that life is anything but unfair and shallow. My point is that no one will judge you because you suck at matrix algebra.
ReplyDeleteEntropy decreed that eventually, all things had to come to an end. The universe itself was no exception. And so the stars ceased to burn, the galaxies ceased the spin, and everything became so much smaller.
ReplyDeleteUntil there was nothing left at all and then even ‘nothing’ ceased to be.
The tiny boy was unimpressed by the small animals. Larger ones could hold his attention for some seconds longer before he resorted to throwing things to make them move: to dance for him. This behaviour was not as appreciated later when he was on the other side of the bars.
ReplyDeleteThe Violent Violet was not having the easiest time, easing her way into this superheroine gig. The hours were shit – you were expected to be on call all the time – and she just didn’t have the build for spandex. But what could she do? That archvillain was just too dreamy.
ReplyDeleteLong ago the population was given the choice between tranquil peace and the danger of warfare. They held a vote. In general women wanted to protect themselves and lead happy, cooperative lives. Men felt that the excitement of violence was impossible to refuse. Unfortunately, there were more men back then.
ReplyDeleteShe hated this time of night – the cold, the desolation of the streets. Still she wandered. Insomnia was a bitch.
ReplyDeleteA gang of hooligans and toughs blocked her path. They wanted her money. Or her life. They’d prefer money.
Neither she nor they saw the ninjas. That was the point.
The tinies lived alongside the giants for generations. The giants, not fully aware of their counterparts, occasionally crushed them underfoot. The tinies finally rebelled, poisoning the giants. Unfortunately it was too late when they realized their lack of foresight. With the giants gone, the dinosaurs picked off the tinies easily.
ReplyDeleteIt sucked to be a vampire these days. It used to be that he could be seductive and vicious, claiming hearts and devouring blood with equal aplomb. Now it was expected he be brooding and emo.
ReplyDeleteEnough was enough! Dignity must be reclaimed! That is when the murder spree began.
It's a darnable crime to be so tired before midnight – and for the sun to disappear so early. Stupid 6-o-clock mornings have turned me into a wreck and an unproductive, slobby whiner. I hate my life and I have to go to sleep :( Goodnight to you all. Goodnight.
ReplyDeleteAcross the strait, Kelsey too was tired. Not even Pepsi Max could halt the droop of her eyelids and that had twice as much caffeine as Diet Pepsi. She decided then to screw it. She could write tomorrow. Her laptop wouldn’t explode in the night. If only that were true.
ReplyDelete('Night! Thanks for the fun times!)