Aw yeah, everyone. It's Go Time. Everyone is welcome to make their own contributions in the comments and I shall respond in kind!
There were fast times at Fort Whoop-up and the American purveyors of illegal spirits were in a fine mood. They were well on their way to meeting their unofficial corporate goal of having the entire population of the prairies stinking drunk.
Until the Mounties spoiled everything. Just like the Man.
The old, abandoned house was haunted, the children knew. They dared Susan to spend an entire minute inside. Through the dank, dirty dimness, Sue saw something that scared her straight, in a way: she would never do drugs again because it might mean sleeping and pooping in this haunted house.
ReplyDeleteOh, for the days when you could say your soft drink was made from girders and wouldn't have your pants sued off! Now we have a strange double standard where we need to be warned that coffee is hot, but are thought to understand all the fine print in EULAs.
A magnificent dragon suddenly surprised the gangly runaway, but it conversed with him rather than singe him to a crisp. The lad had lost his kingdom. “Typical”, sighed the dragon, flying to the moon rather than be risked in another stupid human squabble. “Violence is not the way!”
ReplyDeleteSamuel installed the software in the usual manner. He tossed the DVD in the tray and shut it, waited as it whirred to life and the autorun kicked in. Then the license agreement popped up. He scrolled to the end and clicked ‘I Agree.’
ReplyDeleteHe didn’t need that kidney, anyway.
The brave knight roamed through the mountain paths on his trusty steed, Silence. It was a cold, forbidding mountain with only one other living soul: a hermit.
ReplyDelete“Have any advice?” the knight asked.
“If you stayed to keep me company,” said the hermit. “You’d have no taxes.”
Well, why not?
He told me he'd fix the fence, it remains broken. He said he'd walk the dogs, but hasn't moved from the den. Repeatedly a plan is made and it remains a plan. If the evidence tells us anything it's that people don't change. So I will continue to believe him.
ReplyDeleteBang bang friggin' bang go the post-apocalypse-motif firearms. Mutants shriek as they disappear in flames. The student couldn't tune out the noise, noise, noise of the video-game-playing boys. She had an adventure that night on the town, came back with a gun and fired round after round at the playstation.
ReplyDeleteThe men fought Napoleon on the continent and she remained. She cross-stiched, she played piano, and she tried to be the accomplished lady she should be for when they returned.
ReplyDeleteReturn they did, but she was ‘past her prime’ and her talents were needless. Practicing shooting might have been better.
After centuries of experimentation, the evidence was in. This, of course, had to be analysed down to the last point of data, each inconsistency hunted down and destroyed. But in the end, the conclusion was irrefutable and unassailable.
ReplyDelete“Huh,” said the professor. “What do you know! Communism really does work!”
The young man took a risk by singing every word in his audition. He printed a chorus part for each of the interviewers for the bit about his strengths and weaknesses. This creativity and innovation landed him without the job, but the good sense never to take my advice again.
ReplyDeleteThe dapper lady wore her bowler hat with pride. This was a hat that told the world of its owner’s class and taste, but it sparked envy in many.
ReplyDeleteThus it was when the lady ran for an election one day, she lost in favour of the Green Party candidate.
“You agree that young people should not be subjected to stresses which will ruin their health.”
ReplyDelete“Yes,” he hesitated.
“Then you are against child labour,” she concluded, again.
“I never said that!” he defended.
“It's not a bad thing!”
“It is in my circles!”
“Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!” shrieked the uncouth gentlemen before slamming said door behind him.
ReplyDeleteThis saddened the Girl Guides, with their boxes of cookies and the hearts bereft filled with song. It was this experience that started them down the road to Goth.
Timmy eyed the stationwagon with hope. What if one day it transformed into a giant robot, like his toys? He had to be there when it happened. He was.
ReplyDeleteThe robot didn’t look happy, though. “Did someone leave a cheese sandwich in me?” he asked.
They had. Three weeks ago.
The printing team worked late into the night, typesetting, folding; they needed to get the news out to the people by dawn, before the other newsies monopolized the market... of current events. Unfortunately, they didn't finish on time! Fortunately, their headlines were catchier and the competition lost their livelihoods instead.
ReplyDelete“I'll make some coffee before bed,” Lance told Mary as he got up from the couch.
ReplyDelete“That's completely retarded,” Greta shouted at the couple. “It won't help you sleep at all, you idiots!”
Greta was such a downer that her comments alone put everyone straight to sleep.
George Brown, founder of the Globe, was upset. He’d been shot! By a former employee! He was dying from gangrene! No one had warned him of these perils of the news business. Perhaps he should’ve sticked to politics?
ReplyDeleteHad he done that, John A. would’ve dropped the mace on him.
The prophecy was clear on this point: only one destined hero could possibly hope to save the world. It spoke of signs and portents, but finding this hero was trickier business than imagined. Even moreso that she had died of smallpox at age ten.
ReplyDeleteNobody knew that, so everyone died.
“Isn't it crazy that ten is a special number and we have ten fingers!?” the person who didn't think a lot exclaimed.
ReplyDelete“Well, no,” the educated person responded, going on to explain how counting works.
Then everyone's heads exploded because the second person wasn't a dick about it.
The paramedic was having a rubbish, depressing day. One patient had been shot, another had met with the business end of an automobile, still more were idiots. He reviewed his options to find a happier career.
ReplyDelete“Yes,” he said with a quiet satisfaction. “Lion tamer!” And he liked it muchly.
The professor had been telling people of the incredible and fascinating facts from the book she'd been reading, the Life of Pi. She got to the end and realized that she may have ruined her credibility. It was too bad she'd cited the novel in all her latest scientific papers.
ReplyDeleteIn the cutthroat world of academia, only the toughest survived. Lisa took this far when defending her thesis on the forging of swords during the English Civil War.
ReplyDeleteShe was arrested that day, soon after she wiped the blood from her rapier, leaving the cooling bodies of the professors behind.
The skag jumped up the cliff at the man with the gun. He knew he shouldn't have been so impetuous, but he just couldn't wait. He knew his big brother was behind him, but would he get there in time. No, he was 'lighted' on fire by the incinuary handgun.
ReplyDelete[sic]
-Jason
Many have passed this way. These they have sought – wisdom, fortune, favour, power, love. Some have succeeded, still more have failed. You can see their bones scattered by the wayside. The crows picked them clean.
ReplyDeleteBut I have little doubt you will succeed. Pants are an easy thing to find.
And then the other correspondent said sleepily, “Holy poo it's late! I have to sleep soon or I'ma gunna die! Thanks for writing so long, ya jerk. Hope you don't get gangrene from sitting at your computer so long *cough cough*!” Bloody chunks everywhere. “My lungs, they're bleeding!”
ReplyDelete-Michael
P.S. Good times, yo. See you next weekend perhaps. Have a good morning!
The pseudo-writer held a funeral for the friend who’d so gamely challenged her in word counts and glory. It hadn’t been a swift death and the damage deposit was spent getting the ‘rotting bits’ smell out of the carpet.
ReplyDeleteShe would put out an ad for a new friend tomorrow.
PS: I fell asleep before Piper did. I guess she wins this time. :)