Piper, Jimmy - it's on! Read the comments, everyone else, and post if you got 'em.
The mountains crumbled. The seas ran dry, spilling into the cracks in the earth. Volcanoes cooled. Winds stilled. Fire ceased to burn.
The survivors of humanity gazed upon their broken world as they drifted in their spaceships. Captain Rodriguez turned to his fellows and said, “Glad we left that place.”
There are so many tabs to distract her. “Right! I still need to confirm my teaching hours.” Some days there are no emails, which make her feel unloved and forgotten, and some days there are too many. This would be the latter. “Sorry for the delay”, she apologized to Kelsey.
ReplyDelete“This is- well this is just terrible shit,” the marker shook his head. “There's all this self reference. I'm not really sure what's going on...”
ReplyDelete“But, I have excuses!” came her excuse. “They're in there too!”
Before he slammed the door in her face he suggested, “Never write again, okay?”
The unappreciated genius writer drank himself into a stupor. The critics had torn apart his latest masterpiece, Love Amongst the Willoughbys, with a ferocity only matched by wilderbeests. How could he make them understand his vision? Wait. He knew. He signed on to Amazon.com and flamed all those bastard reviewers.
ReplyDeleteIf it weren't for their campaign sign, stuck in the lawn, he would not have stumbled a little on the side walk. He wouldn't have been adjusting his shirt as he crossed the road. The SUV would not have hit the man dead. If it weren't for those filthy Liberals.
ReplyDeleteThe little rich boy was shocked when his parents were gunned down in front of him by a two-bit crook, to the point where he went catatonic with fury towards the criminal underclass. But he grew up. Vengeance was not the way. Awesome social services for those at risk was.
ReplyDeleteBilly didn't understand the teenage rituals: young people like himself, drinking, drugging and damaging themselves at critical stages in their still-early brain development. “The name you make for yourself here in highschool won't even matter in two years!” Billy said, but no one listened, because Billy was a loser.
ReplyDeleteThe filthy Liberals were once again scheming their little schemes. Already parts of their plan had come to fruition when Sam McGuire of Calgary, Alberta crashed into their campaign sign.
ReplyDelete“What shall we do next?”
“Let us make them keep registering their guns!” said the dastardly Ignatieff. They all laughed.
Odysseus had returned to his home after so many years of fighting and wandering, only to be met with the sight of his wife, Penelope, naked in the arms of her new husband.
ReplyDelete“You were gone for two decades,” said Penelope. “I have needs!”
“Yeah, you’re right,” said Odysseus. “Threesome?”
It's true – we can point at a Nazi soldier or a wife-beater and say there's an evil man, but they are often the side effect of a larger problem which must be solved through education. It's easy to throw individuals in prison and pretend they're the exception. The end.
ReplyDelete--
Little Suzie begged her parents for the exercise ball, the remote control car, the lego... and now there they were in a free box on the lawn. “That shit represents over $300”, said her mother. “Not counting interest.”
“I hope you enjoyed it,” her father chimed in.
“Meh,” said Suzie.
Normandy was cold and William didn’t like being ruled over by the King of France. What do you do?
ReplyDelete“I’ll just head over to England and be king there,” he said. So he got his army together and sailed across the channel.
Then he shot Harold Godwinson in the face.
One thing about living in an underwater city is you have to remember not to go outside without the proper gear. You're thousands of meters under the sea and will pop like a meaty balloon from the pressure. You adjust, though. Since the nuclear holocaust there is not much alternative.
ReplyDeleteThe brave hero found the elves in their hidden kingdom in the forest and pleaded for their assistance. “The Dark Lord has conquered all of the free lands,” he said. “I am in need of your ancient wisdom!”
ReplyDelete“Meh,” said the elves.
This the brave hero learned: elves are dicks.
Beatrice had searched through all the old texts, looking for the true story of what really happened during the Battle of Hale. Days stretched into weeks into months into years, until she found it.
ReplyDeleteBut upon translation, it turned out to be merely a brownie recipe. Really good brownies, though.
“There is so much horror and sadness in the world,” Mary sighed, over a bottle of bourbin. “There's not really anything we can do to make it all okay, but enjoying yourself off in this affluent country just seems wrong.” She drank herself to death and everyone is better now.
ReplyDeleteJohn A. Macdonald was faced with a crisis that was hitherto unknown to the young nation of Canada. Choose wrongly, and he could rip it wholly asunder.
ReplyDeleteThe crisis was this: whiskey or port?
He awoke with a killer of a hangover the next morning. Whiskey was the wrong choice.
Magic was introduced, but it was difficult – similar to computer programming. Syntax was crucial for success and avoiding accidental explosion of the world. This was a bit of a bummer for everyone who'd hoped it would be more intuitive and mystical. Strict regulations kept everything safe and boring, like now.
ReplyDeleteJesus was a sad panda. He knew he was the son of God – isn’t that what mom told him? But he thought he’d be able to do more with it, like shoot lightning from his fingertips and other such things.
ReplyDelete“I guess I’ll just have to cater weddings,” he sighed.
The music swelled as the racers in the movie slow-mo'ed themselves toward the finish line. The family huddled together enjoying the feel-good film with some popcorn. Suddenly: static. The dog had chewed through the TV cord. The beloved pet was dead, the movie postponed and the cord, expensive.
ReplyDeleteThe best things in life were free, so the philosophers said, but how much did the worst things cost? Jacob endeavoured to find out.
ReplyDeleteRigging elections, polluting everything, and starting a whole bunch of crazy wars turned out to be very expensive indeed. The best things were much more economical.
First I shot the homeless woman down. “I'm Jesus,” she'd said.
ReplyDelete“Sure you're Jesus”, I thought, sarcastically. But you know – maybe she really was! I took her in and kept her well, catering to her requests of heroine and booze. It was my holy calling. This is religious discrimination, officer!
The prince perished upon his sickbed, another victim of the small pox. The king knelt beside him and wept.
ReplyDelete“But you know, it could have been worse,” said his chancellor. “He could have had syphilis too!”
Yeah, the high chancellor was right, thought the king. No more sleeping with prostitutes.
Bason flew into the room with titillating calculus problems.
ReplyDelete“You're interrupting my work – well, my well-spent free time,” the room's occupant resisted.
“Please help me,” he said with his eyes all aglow.
“Damn you,” the woman at the desk gave in, “But you must help me too.”
He didn't!
The sexy math teacher was impressed with the young woman's enormous and excellent brain. “It's too bad I'm married with a couple of kids,” he thought. “Or else I'd be the happiest man, come graduation.” If only she'd known these secret thoughts! She'd be the happiest girl in fifth grade.
ReplyDeleteIt was late and Granioa needed badly to pee. She opened the bathroom door and shrieked upon seeing a swirling vortex to another world, originating from the toilet bowl. Many strange planets shone so clear. Aliens waved their friendly tentacles, “Come enjoy the day with us!”
ReplyDeleteGranioa replied, “But... ew!!”
The general looked down upon the fields below. The armies occupied that land as far as the eye could see, right up to the walls of the defending city.
ReplyDelete“Do we attack?” he asked. “Or is there a better way?”
He challenged the opposing general to a match of bingo.
Grandma told the best stories. Every Sunday she would gather the grandchildren around her recliner.
ReplyDelete“Let me tell you,” she said. “About the time I drank twenty shots of whiskey and punched Hitler in the face.”
Auntie told them that it wasn’t true. But grandchildren would believe anything with punching.
Life was drab, work was dull and all her dreams were dissolving around her. "I need to stop dreaming", she thought "Or at least pick a dream that works with my reality. I need a new theme song"
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, she couldn't stop humming, "I want to be a billionaire."