Last one inspired by Linkbait this night. 'War kittens' are from the mind of a Chris.
1. Fluffy McStubbingtons, who famously refused to aid Caesar in conquering the Celts in order to focus on what he saw as the greater menace: a long string of yarn. Caesar opted not to punish the kitten on account of its wee little paws.
2. Lord Tobius, hailed by some as Sun Tzu reborn. But many find it difficult to perceive the visual difference between biding one’s time for strategic reasons and a simple desire to lie in a sunbeam all day.
3. Freya, the Norse goddess of fertility and war, was known to be accompanied by many assorted cats and to be the one who chose the slain of the battlefield to make merry in Valhalla. Some scholars theorise that her cats may have assisted her in this role; others, of a more traditional ilk argue that the cats merely lay on the chests of the slain, purring and awaiting pettage.
4. Harold Godwinson, the very temporary king of England, was ever accompanied by the noble Bojangles – so much so that the feline rode on his steed during the Battle of Hastings. Which begs the question: did the arrow that lodged itself in Harold’s eye really originate with a Norman bow, or was it a political statement by Bojangles? The two were known to argue frequently over whether Bojangles was allowed to recline on the back of the throne.
5. As dogs were to Hitler, so cats were to Stalin. The crazed dictator was so fond of a tabby named Lenny that he made him his premier military advisor after sending the rest of his generals to Siberia for having murder in their hearts. But Lenny disappeared just prior to the implementation of Operation Barbarossa. Did he defect to Germany? Or was he forced to go on the lam after stumbling across starving former peasantry?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
5 life lessons learned from somewhat apologetic buccaneers
Again, Linkbait. 'Somewhat apologetic buccaneers' courtesy of Isaac.
1. The time to apologise is not when you are already at the gallows. The crowd is very excited to see you die horribly and are unlikely to let you off with a heartfelt “My bad.”
2. Again, timing is everything. An apology after you have awakened an evil god from its slumber by means of filching accursed treasure from indigenous peoples does little to bring back their dear, departed, devoured grandfather.
3. The success rate of apologies is strongly correlated to how recent one’s last wash-up was conducted. Filthy, sweaty stink has never endeared anyone to anything.
4. An apologetic air must be balanced with an appropriate level of rogueishness. Charm the pants off them and they might even forgive you for the grandfather thing.
5. Even still, “My bad,” seldom cuts it when returning to the governor his daughter, now suspiciously round in the middle. You may be expected to make amends in a more permanent fashion.
1. The time to apologise is not when you are already at the gallows. The crowd is very excited to see you die horribly and are unlikely to let you off with a heartfelt “My bad.”
2. Again, timing is everything. An apology after you have awakened an evil god from its slumber by means of filching accursed treasure from indigenous peoples does little to bring back their dear, departed, devoured grandfather.
3. The success rate of apologies is strongly correlated to how recent one’s last wash-up was conducted. Filthy, sweaty stink has never endeared anyone to anything.
4. An apologetic air must be balanced with an appropriate level of rogueishness. Charm the pants off them and they might even forgive you for the grandfather thing.
5. Even still, “My bad,” seldom cuts it when returning to the governor his daughter, now suspiciously round in the middle. You may be expected to make amends in a more permanent fashion.
5 reasons telemarketer mimes can cause suicidal fantasies
Oh, hey, Linkbait. 'Telemarketer mimes' courtesy of my astonishing Aunt Jenn.
1. Invisible boxes are seldom of use to anyone, except to drunkenly creative frat boys.
2. Holding a telephone conversation is a trying experience, as one is tempted to interpret the silence as just plain rudeness.
3. Unlike regular mimes, they are seldom satisfied with your mere pocket change.
4. A pack of such creatures results in the creation of a mime call centre, which clogs the streets and causes terrible traffic jams.
5. It is difficult for the average citizen to distinguish between a short of breath telemarketer mime and the much more common telemarketer zombie. Such a citizen can be forgiven for thinking that the apocalypse has come and bringing about the inevitable.
1. Invisible boxes are seldom of use to anyone, except to drunkenly creative frat boys.
2. Holding a telephone conversation is a trying experience, as one is tempted to interpret the silence as just plain rudeness.
3. Unlike regular mimes, they are seldom satisfied with your mere pocket change.
4. A pack of such creatures results in the creation of a mime call centre, which clogs the streets and causes terrible traffic jams.
5. It is difficult for the average citizen to distinguish between a short of breath telemarketer mime and the much more common telemarketer zombie. Such a citizen can be forgiven for thinking that the apocalypse has come and bringing about the inevitable.
5 ways pretzels have been involved in political scandals
Inspired by Linkbait, 'pretzels' suggested by Amanda.
1. As we are all aware, pretzels go particularly well with beer – a fact no one was more aware of than John A. Macdonald, first prime minister of Canada. So enamoured was he of the combination that he spent all of his campaign money on it and had to go begging a rail baron for enough funds to go on another bender.
2. Did Catherine de Medici mastermind the St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre? Very probably. It is theorised that the Huguenot populations of France had a much readier supply of pretzels than the Catholics, a supply which she wished to secure. Perhaps then her sons would shut up.
3. Anne of Cleves, Henry VIII’s fourth wife, was a well-known proto-German whom Henry though to be ugly. As a good proto-German, Anne was very much fond of a fresh, hot pretzel and would eat them on any occasion, including in the marital bed. The complaint of ugliness was very much a pretext for the couple’s divorce. Henry simply could not stand the crumbs.
4. The Munsinger Affair is known as the sexiest political scandal in Canadian history, for no other such scandal featured Soviet spies seducing innocent young cabinet ministers. But how could the stalwart men of Diefenbaker’s cabinet be taken in so? Simple. The same cutbacks that cost us the Avro Arrow cut deeply into the government’s Pretzel Fund for Starving Orphans. Munsinger claimed that the shortfall could be found within her hotel room. They did it for the orphans.
5. Watergate: caused by a president consumed with lust for power? Or lust for pretzels?
1. As we are all aware, pretzels go particularly well with beer – a fact no one was more aware of than John A. Macdonald, first prime minister of Canada. So enamoured was he of the combination that he spent all of his campaign money on it and had to go begging a rail baron for enough funds to go on another bender.
2. Did Catherine de Medici mastermind the St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre? Very probably. It is theorised that the Huguenot populations of France had a much readier supply of pretzels than the Catholics, a supply which she wished to secure. Perhaps then her sons would shut up.
3. Anne of Cleves, Henry VIII’s fourth wife, was a well-known proto-German whom Henry though to be ugly. As a good proto-German, Anne was very much fond of a fresh, hot pretzel and would eat them on any occasion, including in the marital bed. The complaint of ugliness was very much a pretext for the couple’s divorce. Henry simply could not stand the crumbs.
4. The Munsinger Affair is known as the sexiest political scandal in Canadian history, for no other such scandal featured Soviet spies seducing innocent young cabinet ministers. But how could the stalwart men of Diefenbaker’s cabinet be taken in so? Simple. The same cutbacks that cost us the Avro Arrow cut deeply into the government’s Pretzel Fund for Starving Orphans. Munsinger claimed that the shortfall could be found within her hotel room. They did it for the orphans.
5. Watergate: caused by a president consumed with lust for power? Or lust for pretzels?
5 ways people have gotten rich exploiting tardy reverends
Inspired by Linkbait, 'tardy reverends' suggested by the lovely Karla.
1. In 1932, Mrs. Haversworth took advantage of Reverend Nolan’s late arrival by passing out the collection plate early. By the time he arrived, glasses askew, the collection plate had already passed around with Mrs. Haversworth pocketing the proceeds.
2. Knowing her reverend husband’s tardy tendencies, Linda Ives set up an elaborate insurance scam involving arson, a roll of duct tape, and Reverend Ives’ consistently late homecomings after Sunday service. Miraculously, the insurance company did not catch onto her scheme in a timely fashion. She is alive and well in Rio.
3. Do you have any conception as to how much a well-done and sizable stained glass window is worth? Did you know that with teamwork and a reverend eating his bagel at ten o’clock can equal a killing earned on the antique circuit? So Mr. Freely discovered, to his fortune.
4. Prohibition was a time for creativity and enterprise, especially as represented by a church well-stocked in sacramental wine and a reverend who could be persuaded to ‘forget’ to make a run to the grocery in exchange for some crisp dollar bills. The roof does not replace itself, you know.
5. Jesus, perhaps the original reverend, was most displeased when he returned from the dead two days behind schedule to discover that Mary Magdalene had converted his old carpentry workshop into a busy tourist trap.
1. In 1932, Mrs. Haversworth took advantage of Reverend Nolan’s late arrival by passing out the collection plate early. By the time he arrived, glasses askew, the collection plate had already passed around with Mrs. Haversworth pocketing the proceeds.
2. Knowing her reverend husband’s tardy tendencies, Linda Ives set up an elaborate insurance scam involving arson, a roll of duct tape, and Reverend Ives’ consistently late homecomings after Sunday service. Miraculously, the insurance company did not catch onto her scheme in a timely fashion. She is alive and well in Rio.
3. Do you have any conception as to how much a well-done and sizable stained glass window is worth? Did you know that with teamwork and a reverend eating his bagel at ten o’clock can equal a killing earned on the antique circuit? So Mr. Freely discovered, to his fortune.
4. Prohibition was a time for creativity and enterprise, especially as represented by a church well-stocked in sacramental wine and a reverend who could be persuaded to ‘forget’ to make a run to the grocery in exchange for some crisp dollar bills. The roof does not replace itself, you know.
5. Jesus, perhaps the original reverend, was most displeased when he returned from the dead two days behind schedule to discover that Mary Magdalene had converted his old carpentry workshop into a busy tourist trap.
5 crazy ways that killer penguins are infiltrating pop culture
Inspired by Linkbait, 'killer penguins' suggested by my mother.
1. James Cameron’s Avatar: unsubtle metaphor about an indigenous people defending itself against imperialistic outsiders with the aid of a heroic member of said outsiders? Or devilishly subtle metaphor about Antarctic explorers and what the penguins did to them?
2. Vincent, the loyal canine of Lost fame, was originally meant to be a penguin until said penguin viciously gored the original actor portraying Jack Shepherd.
3. The pet rock craze originated when a penguin by the name of Exeter opted to replace her egg with a rock due to its greater potential for the culling of humans.
4. That same Exeter went on to influence pop culture in another way – by whispering secrets into George Lucas’ ear as he slumbered. That is why there is C-3P0.
5. Exeter’s cousin, Lucille, was known to lurk the sets of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, being lured by the chemistry between Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman. This chemistry was killed dead when the two thespians had to contend with a penguin staring, staring at them with murder in her eyes.
1. James Cameron’s Avatar: unsubtle metaphor about an indigenous people defending itself against imperialistic outsiders with the aid of a heroic member of said outsiders? Or devilishly subtle metaphor about Antarctic explorers and what the penguins did to them?
2. Vincent, the loyal canine of Lost fame, was originally meant to be a penguin until said penguin viciously gored the original actor portraying Jack Shepherd.
3. The pet rock craze originated when a penguin by the name of Exeter opted to replace her egg with a rock due to its greater potential for the culling of humans.
4. That same Exeter went on to influence pop culture in another way – by whispering secrets into George Lucas’ ear as he slumbered. That is why there is C-3P0.
5. Exeter’s cousin, Lucille, was known to lurk the sets of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, being lured by the chemistry between Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman. This chemistry was killed dead when the two thespians had to contend with a penguin staring, staring at them with murder in her eyes.
Monday, June 21, 2010
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