Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived by a mountain many fine and happy people. Then they all died horribly in an avalanche. They were very upset about this, but there was nothing they could do about it because, as previously mentioned, they were dead.
THE END
Detective O'Malley tackled a woman on her way out of the police station. Bypassers gathered, baffled by this sudden outburst. O'Malley, keeping her felled target restrained, calmed the spectators, “I checked the records. Ms. Bobo is the murderer.”
ReplyDelete“I admit it!” the criminal mastermind spat.
Another day, another crime solved.
There was a king called Charles I and he ruled over the magical land of England. He dressed fancily and he told people what to do because he knew best. One day, he gave the dour-looking Oliver Cromwell fashion advice. “I disagree,” said Cromwell. He chopped off the king’s head.
ReplyDeleteHe gazed into the purple, kaleidescope eyes of the beautiful, thin woman he'd saved and saw their future: they would ride his white steed into the sunset, marry in a lavish palace, grow to be old, uglier and bitter, and die wishing they had never met. But check those boobs.
ReplyDeleteTommy rubbed his belly happily. “That was some delicious yogurt,” he said. “Nice, solid texture – Greek-style. Fruit bits spread throughout and not gumming up the bottom. Yes, very satisfying.”
ReplyDeleteHeather looked up from her video gaming. “That wasn’t yogurt,” she said. “That was milk.”
Tommy frowned, walking to the washroom.
Kathy and Carmillion were best friends and magicians with separate, but similarly amazing acts of magnificent illusions. After years of fruitless practise and promotion, Kathy rocketed to high fame. Her creative effort was unnecessary for continued popularity. Carmillion, who'd changed her name in pursuit of recognition, stayed poor. Bummer, eh?
ReplyDeleteWhen Sarah was a little girl, a blue box appeared in her garden. A man stepped out of it and promised to take her to many strange places. He also offered her a jelly baby.
ReplyDeleteBut Sarah was no fool. She saw the after-school specials. So she called the police.
The third time she asked for silence, a paper airplane flew through the air and poked her eye right through. “Ah!” she hollered, a little late and lackluster, considering the circumstances. The classroom quieted; the doors and windows shut - click - closing in now-nervous children. Then the teacher-bot exploded.
ReplyDeleteIt was election day in Canada and everyone was at the voting booths. Voting made them very excited and it especially thrilled the neighbours Mrs. Rupert and Miss Hugo. “Why did you vote for that guy?” asked Miss Hugo as she drank.
ReplyDelete“I just liked his hair,” said Mrs. Rupert.
“I was a cubicle worker for many years: just another man in another chair: one of one-hundred, typing away into obscurity. Would that be my life? - following arbitrary rules and telling my grandchildren that I'd never gone on any adventures? That's how it all started,” said the homeless man.
ReplyDeleteThe valet presented himself to his new employer, who regarded him with steely eyes above his half-moon spectacles. “Can you solve my problems using elaborate schemes and tricks and disentangle me from undesirable engagements?” the employer asked.
ReplyDelete“No,” said the valet. “But I can iron shirts.”
“That’s not good enough.”
It's said couples must agree on money, children, housing and sex. Phillip was a spender and Darlene, miserable; they couldn't agree on one child or three; she rented but he prefered to own; neither liked to be on top. Still they were sure true love would conquer all. It didn't.
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning, God looked down upon her creation and contemplated. Were there enough stars? She was sure there were far too many gas giants. And what was up with all those monkeys that kept cropping up? Ah well, she decided. It was bound to sort itself out. It didn’t.
ReplyDeleteBecause she wasn't handicapped or otherwise up against adversity, Margaret rocked highschool. She was smart (not too smart) and pretty (not enough to forgo a personality). She was set on Marco, a steamy 12th-grader. Summoning her courage, she asked him to the dance. He said yes. It was fun.
ReplyDeleteAlandra, vampire hunter, stalked the streets of Los Angeles in an impractical leather outfit and high heels. It was an unfortunate thing, she thought, that vampires were such bloodthirsty monsters while being sexy beasts. She still stuffed the nearest vampire she found with garlic and fire bits. It smelled delicious.
ReplyDeleteAt a different dance, Betty and Bernard slowly stepped to the melody of another formulaic song, pumped out at ridiculous decibel-levels by the budget DJ. They didn't speak. Bernard lowered his hands down Betty's back. His mother, a chaperon, met eyes with him across the gymnasium. Hands back up.
ReplyDeleteOliver Cromwell was sad. Was chopping off Charles I’s head an overreaction? He meant well with the fashion advice, even though it smacked of shallow frippery. So he bothered the Irish and shipped them off to be indentured servants. But it did not close the gaping void in his heart.
ReplyDeleteEyes rolled back in her head, the crazed young woman mussed up her hair and babbled in gibberish. The next corseted lass thrashed about on the tiled floor, squeaking every now and again. Several oddly shaped boys with pimples and dark capes clashed invisible weapons. This is every LARP game.
ReplyDeleteThree hundred men stood their ground at Thermopylae. They were Spartan men – brave, strong, and true, with the mightiest abdominal muscles in the land. Greece must be defended against the Persian hordes. Then they realised that the new Call of Duty had come out but yesterday. So they went home.
ReplyDeleteHis daughter, scantily attired, stepped from the vehicle into the cold night. He watched her teeter to the school's main entrance, ticket in manicured hand. He confirmed there were other 11-year-olds dressed this way. If he was a failure as a parent, he was not the only one.
ReplyDeleteRicardo was a very smooth dancer and all the New York ladies lined up to dance the night away with him. But there was only one lady he had eyes for. She was Theodora and she was a duchess. Being a duchess was better than being a dancer’s wife, though.
ReplyDeleteThe dark, masked wizard knocked Olaria down again with a painful attack spell. Nearly helpless and battered, sprawled on the igneous rocks, she summoned all her mental strength. With an exhausted but determined sigh she exploded her adversary in a poof of magic, wondering why hadn't she started with that?
ReplyDelete