An election will come eventually. As such, I have generously provided the Conservative Party with some rhetoric to use on the campaign trail. I expect a cheque in the mail.
My people! A storm gathers! Yea, I tell you all to heed my words and learn what will transpire should you fail in your moral duty come the Day of Decision that looms larger with every passing hour and colourful pamphlet.
That filthy, socialist organisation that deigns to call itself the ‘Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’ will convert your children – the fruit of your very loins! – to the false religions of communism and talking back to authorities.
The Americans will descend upon us from the South, the Chinese from the East, the East Indians from West. All these interlopers will gaze upon our natural bounty in a way that makes us extremely uncomfortable.
All your muskets, passed down from father to son for untold generations, will be swiped from your very hands, so that you shall no longer be able to hunt man nor beast in the manner which OUR LORD has intended.
A plague of locusts and terrorists will sweep o’er the land, bombing and devouring all in their path. Nothing shall stop them, for airport security checks will be swept away by socialists and perverts and pesticides will have been banned.
Yea, the corpse of Macdonald shall rise from his grave and none shall tell whether he is a drunkard or undead until his maw rends flesh from vulnerable necks. Thereupon, his strength renewed, he shall chide us all for the grievous error we have committed that has doomed our fair and fragile. But his instruments of speech will have rotted away and none will understand him.
Department stores will post confusing and contradictory hours and none shall tell when it is the appropriate time of day or night to purchase toilet paper or Triscuits.
All these and occurrences too dark and foul to speak of on this sanctified ground will come to pass if you do not deliver unto Harper his majority. Amen.
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